Chapter 1: Driving
1. Do not drive in Queens. Ever.
2. If you feel compelled to drive in Queens, do not, under any circumstances, get on the BQE (Brooklyn-Queens Expressway).
3. If you hate yourself and decide to drive on the BQE (or if you're on one of the 3-dozen streets in Queens that randomly dump you onto the BQE without warning), do not look at, make note of, verbally refer to, or even think about road signs: they generally do not exist, and the ones that do are worthless. (this goes for Grand Central Parkway as well)
4. Also, if you are actually trying to locate the BQE, look for the unmarked cemetery entrance, this is the onramp.
5. Off the BQE, maps, GPS, and satellite imagery (believe me, we've used them all) will only really get you within about 3 blocks of your intended destination as they are ALL WRONG.
6. New Yorkers cannot use lanes.
7. New Jersians cannot use cars. Or lanes.
8. Every one-way street you will drive on will turn into a one-way street going the other direction. Plan accordingly.
9. When parallel parking your brand new Benz, DO NOT take the middle out of a two-car-wide spot thinking that it will save your car from being scratched by another car trying to park. This maneuver makes you an ASSHOLE and will prompt the two new people who just moved here from Chicago to give $20 and a pack of Oreos to the kids in the park and point them to the shiny black car.
10. No right turn on red. Anywhere. Ever.
